Talk about committing career suicide! I just got this and I've included
Snopes and Truthorfiction in the "copy to" window. At this point I can't
be sure if it's true or BS. I'll let you know if Snopes verifies it or
whatever. I've got a feeling that it won't be seen in the mainstream
Drunken Ben Bernanke Tells Everyone At Neighborhood Bar How Screwed U.S.
Economy Really Is The Onion - America's Finest New.
SEWARD, NE—Claiming he wasn't afraid
to let everyone in attendance know about "the real mess we're in,"
Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke reportedly got drunk Tuesday and
told everyone at Elwood's Corner Tavern about how absolutely fucked the
U.S. economy actually is.
Bernanke, who sources confirmed was "totally sloshed," arrived at the
drinking establishment at approximately 5:30 p.m., ensconced himself
upon a bar stool, and consumed several bottles of Miller High Life and a
half-dozen shots of whiskey while loudly proclaiming to any patron who
would listen that the economic outlook was "pretty goddamned awful if
you want the God's honest truth."
"Look, they don't want anyone except for the Washington, D.C. bigwigs to
know how bad shit really is," said Bernanke, slurring his words as he
spoke. "Mounting debt exacerbated—and not relieved—by unchecked
consumption, spiraling interest rates, and the grim realities of an
inevitable worldwide energy crisis are projected to leave our entire
economy in the shitter for, like, a generation, man, I'm telling you."
And hell, as long as we're being honest, I might as well tell you that a
truer estimate of the U.S. unemployment rate is actually up around 16
percent, with a 0.7 percent annual rate of economic growth if we're
lucky—if we're lucky," continued Bernanke, nearly knocking a full beer
over while gesturing with his hands. "Of course, if everybody knew that,
it would likely cripple financial markets across the entire fucking
globe, even in various emerging economies with self- sustaining growth."
After launching into an extended 45-minute diatribe about shortsighted
moves by "those bastards in Congress" that could potentially exacerbate
the nation's already deeply troublesome budget imbalance, the Federal
Reserve chairman reportedly bought a round of tequila shots for two
customers he had just met who were seated on either side of him,
announcing, "I love these guys."
Numerous bar patrons slowly nodded in agreement as Bernanke went on to
suggest the United States could pass three or four more stimulus
packages and "it wouldn't even matter."
"You think that's going to create long-term economic growth, let alone
promote job creation?" Bernanke said. "We're way beyond that, my friend.
There are no jobs, okay? There's nothing. I think that calls for another
drink, don't you?"
While using beer bottles and pretzel sticks in an attempt to explain to
the bartender the importance of infusing $650 billion into the bond
market, the inebriated Fed chairman nearly fell off his stool and had to
be held up by the patron sitting next to him.
Another bargoer confirmed Bernanke stood about 2 inches from her face
and sprayed her with saliva, claiming inflation was going to "totally
screw" consumer confidence and then asking if he could bum a smoke.
"Sure, we could hold down long-term interest rates and pursue a program
of quantitative easing, but c'mon, we all know that's not going to make
the slightest bit of difference when it comes to output, demand, or
employment," Bernanke said before being told to "try to keep [his] voice
down" by the bartender. "And trust me, with the value of the U.S. dollar
in the toilet, import costs going through the roof, and numerous world
governments unprepared for their own substantial debt burdens, shit's
not looking too good for us abroad, either."
"God, I'm so wasted," added Bernanke, resting his head on the bar.
Later in the evening, Richard Kampman, a truck driver who was laid off
in 2010, said Bernanke approached him in the men's restroom and
attempted to strike up a conversation about various factors contributing
to the current financial crisis.
"He stumbled up to the urinal and started mumbling on about the
depressed housing sector or something," said Kampman, who claimed
Bernanke had to use both hands on the wall to steady himself. "Then
after a while he just sort of stopped and I couldn't tell if he was
laughing or crying."
"Then he puked all over the sink and the mirror," Kampman added.
Customers at the bar told reporters the "shitfaced" and disruptive
Bernanke refused to pay for his drinks with U.S. currency, claiming it
was "worthless." Witnesses also confirmed that near the end of the
evening, Bernanke put money into the jukebox and selected Dire Straits'
"Money For Nothing" to play five times in a row.
"This is what it's all about," said Bernanke, who reportedly danced
alone in the middle of the dark tavern. "Fucking love this song."